Even though we’re well into the 21st century and have made some great strides forward in recent decades, there are still some places in this world that seem to be holding onto some archaic (to say the least) laws. Some are funny, others are simply stupid, and some are downright frightening.
With the 2003 Supreme Court ruling that laws that criminalized intimate sexual conduct between two consenting adults of the same sex were unconstitutional, I really didn’t expect to find all that many that were actually still laws.
In Michigan, the unfaithful can face up to four years in prison along with a $5,000 fine. However, while a police sergeant in Portage lost his job over an affair, he wasn’t fined nor thrown in prison. Either way though, however “uncool” cheating may be, do they really deserve prison?
Over in South Carolina, any man or woman found guilty of “adultery” can be punished by a fine of not less than $100 but no more than $500, imprisonment for six months to one year, or a combination of both fine and imprisonment. However, this law does not simply apply to adultery in the state, you can face the same punishment for “fornication,” which the South Carolina State Legislature defines as “living together and carnal intercourse with each other or habitual carnal intercourse with each other without living together of a man and woman, both being unmarried.”
Adultery is also illegal in Arizona but is a class three misdemeanor if the slighted spouse is willing to press charges. If found guilty, you could receive a maximum of 30 days in jail, 1 year of probation and a $500 fine plus surcharges.
2. Sex While Single
Until this year, in Virginia it was illegal for anyone other than married couples to engage in “fornication” and was punishable as a misdemeanor. In Idaho, unmarried sex can result in up to six months in jail or a $300 fine.
Males over the age of 16 are prohibited from falsely promising to marry a women in order to lure her to bed. Guilty parties can be imprisoned for no more than one year in South Carolina.
However, over in Michigan, seducing and “debauching” an unmarried woman is a felony and punishable by up to five years in prison.
If you live in Nebraska, that asshole back in college that gave you chlamydia will indeed have ruined your life because according to their Legislature, “No person who is afflicted with a venereal disease shall marry in this state.”
5. Anal Sex
In spite of the Supreme Court ruling mentioned at the beginning of this article, there are still quite a few states where sodomy and oral sex are still considered illegal. At least according to their Legislation. In Alabama it was still on the books until just six short years ago, 13 years after the nation’s top court’s decision. And here we are, in 2020 and sodomy is still illegal in Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, North Carolina, Oklahoma and South Carolina.
That Supreme Court ruling directly dealt with a case in Texas, yet the Lone Star State along with Kansas and Kentucky target their anti-sodomy statutes only at same-sex relations.
6. Consent for Abortion
In Arkansas, a brother can sue his sister if she gets an abortion without his permission. Oh… wait. Scratch that. Sorry. It’s actually a spouse that can sue a doctor to stop his wife’s abortion. In fact, last week a panel of federal appeals judges allowed this and several other abortion restrictions to resume.
7. Water Sports
In Cattle Creek, Colorado it is illegal for a couple to have sex while bathing in a river or stream. I tried to find the exact statute on this one but wasn’t able to find the legal wording but as it is, it makes me wonder if threesomes and moresomes are okay.
8. Public Displays of Erection
Ladies, in Indiana you better not get your man too excited in public. “Covered male genitals in a discernibly turgid state,” as the legal wording states, are illegal in public. In other words, noticeable boners are a no-no.
9. Helping a Working Girl Out
Guys and girls can face prosecution in Kansas if they knowingly drive a prostitute to work. Pimp or no pimp, give her a ride to a meeting between two consenting adults and you could face a level 9 felony punishable by imprisonment for 11 to 13 months.
The same goes for West Virginia where transporting either a sex-worker or client for the purposes of engaging in prostitution is illegal.
10. Free Cab Rides
While some may scoff at this one, in Buckfield, Ohio if you are picked up by a cab from a place that serves alcohol and you perform sexual favors for the driver in exchange for a ride, he cannot charge you a fare on top of the backseat romp.
11. Safe (Drunk) Sex
If you’re in Maryland, ladies, you may want to stock up on protection before that night out on the town. It is illegal for condoms to be sold in a vending machine except in places where liquor is sold.
However, in Pennsylvania it is illegal to sell condoms via a vending machine in ANY location.
12. Sex Toys
While I know that I’m not the only one with a “toy box” at my disposal, more than a few of us could be in trouble due to our choice of battery operated boyfriends. First, in New York, adult businesses cannot devote more than 40% of their total square footage to adult entertainment.
Second, my sex toy “collection” could get me in serious trouble in Texas as promoting obscenity is illegal. Oh, that includes anyone that has six or more “obscene devices” (dildos) because they are “presumed to possess them with intent to promote,” which of course is illegal. However, the law does make exceptions for those that have more than six for medical and law enforcement purposes.
However, Alabama may take the cake on this one as just this year courts upheld a law that criminalizes the sale of sex toys. If you want some toys in this state, you have to order them online.
In Springfield, Missouri both sideboob and underboob are illegal in public places.
14. No Chunky Dunking
In Fargo, North Dakota it is illegal to skinny dip in the Red River between the hours of 8am and 9pm. Although, apparently you are indeed allowed to dip your unclothed bits in the river between 9:01pm and 7:59am.
Contrary to scientific evidence, sex education teachers in Oklahoma must teach their students that “engaging in homosexual activity is primarily responsible for contact with the AIDS virus.”
16. Road Head
Forget pleasing your man while driving down the highway in Skullbone, Tennessee because the law states that a woman cannot “pleasure a man” who is operating a motor vehicle.
17. Emergency Sex
Some people have fantasies of joining the mile high club and others want to give road head, but in Temonton, Utah it is illegal to have sex while riding in an ambulance.
18. Backseat Entertainment
No matter your age, relationship status, or where you park it, in Virginia is is illegal to have sex in your car.
19. Faux Bush
In another “where the hell did this law come from” category, in Washington it is illegal for strippers to wear crotch toupees, or devices which simulate pubic hair.
20. Running With the Devil
In Bakersfield, California if Lucifer slides into bed with you, you better have protection because having sex with Satan without a condom is illegal.
21. Public Displays of Affection
While too much of a good thing can almost always be considered a bad thing, showing your love in a couple of states can land you in hot water. First, in Halethorpe, Maryland you can’t kiss in public for more than a minute. However, PDA is acceptable in Idaho… as long as it doesn’t exceed eighteen minutes.
22. Sinful Sex
Back in the great state of Alabama, while you’re okay to partake during daylight hours, it’s illegal for you to hump on the steps of a church after the sun goes down.
State By State
Okay, this list is a bit crazier and longer than I thought it’d be when I told Meredith, “hey, let’s look at some stupid sex laws,” and since some of these really don’t fit in a category per se, let’s take a look at a few crazy sex laws state-by-state.
California — Boob pillows, stuffed articles made to look like breasts, cannot be sold within 1,000 feet of a highway.
Indiana — If you are over 18 years of age and traveling through this state with someone under the age of 17, you could be charged with statutory rape if they are in the vehicle without shoes or socks on because these are considered to be “vital articles of clothing.”
Illinois — If you a buy a reptile in this state, the seller is required to give you a written warning advising you not to kiss the reptile. My problem with this one is… who the fuck did this in the first place in order to require a damn law against it?
Kentucky — Leash laws in this state take on a whole new meaning as it is illegal for dogs to molest people. While I’m not exactly certain if this means that a neighbor’s dog that has a propensity to hump your leg is breaking the law, this is another one of those that I’d like to read the case law on.
Minnesota — Unfortunately for those among you that enjoy a walk on the aquatic side, it’s illegal in this state to have sex with a live fish. However, apparently it’s quite legal to get your jollies with one that is dead.
Unfortunately, it appears to be illegal for anyone to sleep in the buff in this state, no matter your martial status or preference for sexual partners.
North Carolina — Massage parlors are illegal in the totally inappropriately named “Horneytown.”
Ohio — As Stormy Daniels found out, it is illegal for a “regular” stripper of an establishment to touch a patron. However, the crazy sex laws for Ohio don’t stop there because oral sex is totally illegal as well
South Dakota — The Amish and Mennonites are screwed, or really not screwed, because it’s illegal to use a covered wagon in any way for the purposes of prostitution.
Vermont — In the “what the actual fuck” category, in Beanville, Vermont it is illegal to distribute or sell or roadmaps that have “lewd or lascivious” ads contained within them.
Wisconsin — Possibly the winner of the WTAF category is that in Connersville, Wisconsin, as opposed to Texas, Oklahoma, South Carolina, the old West, or any myriad of other states or times in history, it is illegal for a man to fire a gun while his partner is climaxing.
BS Sex Laws From Around the World
Not to worry my fellow Americans, we’re not entirely alone in our plight against crazy sex laws. Here are some of the ones I found from around the world.
Doctors in this Middle Eastern country are prohibited from looking directly at a female patient’s privates. However, they aren’t restricted to “feeling” their way around your nether regions, they just have to use a mirror and look at the reflection of your coochie. They can interact with you and complete an examination, they just can’t look directly at you where the good Lord split you.
While there are probably a lot of crazy sex law in the communist country of China, the biggest one that jumped out to me in my research is that women are not allowed to walk around naked in a hotel room. However, they are allowed to be naked in the bathroom.
S’mothered in Columbia
While you may think your dear old mom is guilty of “helicopter parenting,” in Columbia the mom of a new bride is compulsorily expected to be present when her daughter consummates her marriage. For the laymen among us, that means mom is supposed to watch while you get it on with your new hubby.
Conversely, a woman that passes this test but decides to get a little something-something on the side can legally be killed by her husband in Columbia. However, she must be caught in the act in order for this to be considered a justifiable homicide as an “excusable act of passion.”
Get spotted kissing here and you can spend ten days in jail, which is upped to a year of incarceration if you’re caught lip-locking while intoxicated.
If you’re a woman in this country and have been slighted by a cheating spouse, it is perfectly legal for you to kill the offender. As long as the deed is completed by your bare hands. However, fret not, the “hoe” that cheated with your man can be legally dispatched by any means deemed necessary.
Forget arcane laws regarding sex toys, in this country it is completely illegal for a man or woman to engage in “self pleasure.” Get caught “rubbing one out” here and you could face a maximum of 32 months imprisonment.
While your ex may have been all about Japanese women and porn, that country has some of the most stringent nudity laws around. In fact, to this day exposed genitals must be blurred out, and this includes those exposed in hentai films, video games, and comics.
While screwing a female animal appears to be perfectly legal, it’s against the law to get it on with an animal of the male persuasion.
Apparently it’s okay to do the nasty while riding on a motorcycle down the road, but it’s illegal to do so on a parked bike when in London.
In Krakow, Poland, if you engage in bestiality, or zoophilia, the crime for being found guilty of the offense for a third time was punishable by a bullet to the head… until recently. Now you can face a measly three years in prison and a donation to an animal shelter.
Flashers as well as those that enjoy walking around sans clothes could be in trouble in Singapore as it’s illegal to strut around nude if you’re in a private place that’s in public view. Which includes standing in front of your window and since the Singapore government says that this includes those that are “clad in such a manner as to offend against public decency or order,” you may well be in trouble if someone spots you in your window wearing just your underwear or even a bikini.
In the “more than a little disgusting” area is the law that states that if a female dog is in heat at the time a man forces her to have sex in Thailand, the fines for the transgression are higher.
You can face up to 10 years in prison in this country if you’re convicted of violating the 2014 Anti-Pornography Bill, but this bill not only includes pornographic photos and movies, but audio recordings, writing, and erotic music as well.
No Dildos Allowed
In the Maldives, Thailand, India, Saudia Arabia, and Malaysia, sex toys are completely illegal, while in Vietnam, you’ll be required to relinquish your favorite vibrator to customs, but when you exit the country you can opt to reclaim it.
I don’t know about you ladies, but I would be in some serious trouble in some of these places. We’ve definitely made some strides in the past few years, but these crazy sex laws from around the country and the world prove that we still have SO much further to go.
How would you fare? Would you be perfectly fine no matter where you live, or would you be facing some serious legal issues in some of the places? Sound off below and let us know.
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