You’re on the prowl and looking for Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now) and you seem to have lost your dating mojo. It happens. Since a bunch of us seem to be sadly out of practice with the art of dating, I can definitely share 10 things that will kill your dating life – guaranteed.
Dating is f*ckin’ hard, especially these days. Getting past the whole C-19 thing, in the past decade, dating has migrated into the Matrix where social media, dating apps, and bot matchmakers seem to be the way of things. And eventually we venture out into the real wild world to meet the “perfect match” except – we’re all imperfect and way out of practice in a ways of actual dating etiquette.
Take a look at your social media profiles. I bet Instagram has the best selfie pics (that took ten tries to get). Thanks to Snapchat, I can post amazing stories and images to show off my best self with cool filters and ten-second words of wisdom. I’m a beacon of confidence and beauty and it only took all day to post a perfect me.
When the time comes to meet up IRL (in real life), those filters are gone. How can I be cool, amazing, gorgeous and have the perfect pose in one take?
My girlfriends just tell me to “be myself” and my guy friends tell me to show skin. UGH. That’s not helpful at all! You know what might be helpful? My list of ten things not to do when you’re trying to get a date.
1. Get Shitfaced
Nothing oozes class more than a girl who’s had way too much to drink. (Note sarcasm.) It’s not good when you speak fluent Drunkenese, can’t feel your teeth and have vomit clinging to your hair.
2. Be A Know-It-All
When you have the air of arrogance and knowledge, the potential pool of partners really gets small. In fact, if you never want to find a mate, be right all the time and really rub their nose in the fact that they are way dumb and don’t deserve you anyway. That’s a good way to make friends too. (Not.)
3. Win At All the Things
I’m competitive and I like winning. This does not serve me well when I’m trying to get a date. Whether I’m playing pool, throwing darts, or shooting hoops, I want to win. “In your face!” Sometimes the guys can’t handle it, especially when I get the adrenaline flowing. In my defense, if they can’t compete against me in a game, can they compete with me in life? Think about it!
4. Be Snarky
Somewhere in the world of things is a fine line between passionate debate and world-class snark. I often believe that sarcasm is wasted on stupid people and sometimes my mouth gets me in trouble. It certainly doesn’t help my dating situation when a “compliment” is interpreted as an insult. “Yes, that’d be a great pickup line if you were talking to her.” Oops, was that rude?
5. Tell Them All About Your Ex
Nothing says that you’re over your ex more than talking about your ex…all the time…to everyone. The cute guy that’s been winking at you from across the room and buying drinks definitely wants to know how he compares to the guy who ditched you. Really.
6. Cheesy Pickup Lines
“Your name must be Google because you’re everything I’ve been looking for.”
“Hand over your license because you’re driving me crazy.”
“If you were a booger, you’d be my favorite pick.”
It’s cringe-worthy but you might actually find someone who thinks that’s cute and ask for your number. Not likely, but you can try…because cheesy pickup lines work so well on us too.
Everyone knows that the windows to the soul are through the eyes. Staring deeply and meaningfully into a strangers eyes isn’t creepy at all. I think the only thing that tops it is if your fake lashes start falling off.
8. Play Dumb
Being completely helpless is a great ruse for making sure your dating game stays on ice. I admit that I love pretending to be as dumb as a doorknob when I want to be left alone. That doesn’t help my dating life because, believe it or not, some guys actually like intellectual conversation.
9. Assume They Know
Oh my gosh, is my vibe not strong enough? How is it possible that you don’t know what I’m thinking, feeling and wanting? Really… Am I that hard to read? Sending out positive vibes should be enough to attract Mr. Right Now, right?
Look. Dating is hard. Finding the right person is more challenging and we have to have a sense of humor. If you’ve tried these things and failed in landing a date or number exchange, I wouldn’t be surprised – but – if you’ve got plenty of snark and meet someone who appreciates it, you might have a keeper. Good luck!