EFF Body Shamers

Dealing With Jerks Who Body Shame

There’s all types of jerks out there these days. In fact, there’s so many different types of jerks that I could dedicate a whole book to the subject. Let’s face it, it’s a jungle out there. and as a woman, no matter your age or race, chances are rather high that at some point in your life you’re likely to be a target for a special kind of jerk.

Those that body shame.

While it’s a perfectly natural reaction to be flabbergasted at such a ridiculous display of judgement, all the while wondering, “Just who the hell do you think you are?,” as any licensed pest control company will explain – in order to properly deal with any invasive species, first you have to identify it.

Well… this handy guide may help you identify them and shine a bright light on their stupidity:

The Misdirected Voter

It’s an election year and just as with any legitimate democratic process, verification of each voter is of “primary” importance. In most every state in this country you have to show ID in order to prove that you are legally eligible to cast your vote.

There’s only ONE person legally eligible to cast a vote about your body — You!

There’s no recount and no absentee votes to consider. Just You!

Solution: Ask to see their identification, look at the photo and politely tell them where to go – their assigned polling station. “You aren’t registered or allowed to vote in this jurisdiction.”

The Cult Leader

This group of folks have plenty of flash and a faithful legion of followers around them. Much like the zombie apocalypse shows and movies, you can usually identify a devote follower by the vacant and empty look on their faces. Unfortunately, this group of extreme diet and exercise cult leaders can be a little difficult to spot at first because they can’t actually serve Kool-Aid because, well, there’s sugar in it.

If they do serve you something, don’t drink it!

It’s self-haterade!!

Solution: Tell them you’re happy with your deity of choice and that your body is a temple that is more than satisfied with current management.

The Concern Troll

No, this isn’t one of those cute toys from the nineties with the technicolor hair and adorable plastic bellies. The concern troll tends to give backhanded compliments that they think is “for your own good.” Whatever you’re doing, you’re doing it wrong and they’re deeply worried for you.

Solution: Tell them you prefer to get your retro toys off eBay but that you really aren’t that into collecting trolls, concern or otherwise. Or you can go really old school and tell them you’re not a billy goat clip-clopping across their bridge, you’re just doing you and minding your own business and they should do them and mind their own business –somewhere else.

The Green Eyed Monster

Their scaly green skin is usually hidden underneath layers of expensive makeup. Their personal insecurities transform them into hideous, jealous monsters that lash out at unsuspecting, innocent victims.

Solution: Tell them you sleep on a futon and there’s no room for them under your bed.

The Door to Door Salesman

Buyer beware, those “miracle” products your friends and co-workers tout actually run on self-hatred. The slick sounding salesman wants you to be uncomfortable enough in your own skin that you’ll purchase the merchandise on the spot, usually accompanied with the enticing, “But wait there’s more!”

Solution: Tell your friend the salesman you’ve use the sustainable fuel of self-love and acceptance. For co-workers, hang a sign on your cubicle wall or office door that says: No Soliciting!

In short

Every body is a good body and yours is no exception.

Don’t accept the uninformed opinion of others when you evaluate your body.

Hopefully this little article has given you the info you need in order to recognize the jerks who body shame and have some good comebacks that will derail their hate train.

Image Credit: Shutterstock

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