Here’s How You’re Ruining Your Relationship Before it Even Begins

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What do you mean, “Ruining the relationship before it begins?

How the hell do you ruin something that doesn’t exist yet? Can you even do that?

It turns out that you can. Even before the official beginning of a relationship, there is a connection between you. You don’t become a couple on the first date. Feelings come first, titles later. In other words, there is often a relationship long before it officially begins.

Here are some of the ways that you can ruin your relationship before it even begins.

Your Insecurities are Making you do Dumb Things

In falling for another person, you have to allow yourself to be vulnerable. In the process of getting to know someone else, we expose ourselves. We take the leap and let the other person see our hearts and insecurities. It happens to all of us – even your new love.

The moment your soul connects with another, there comes a time when the idea of that person hooking up with someone else becomes terrifying. That time can come long before you change your Facebook status. Relationships can capture you in ways you don’t anticipate. We lose ourselves completely. This isn’t necessarily bad; it’s wonderful to lose yourself in a relationship. But that is also the time when our insecurity raises it’s ugly head.

Relationship Killers: Insecurity, trust issues, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, jealousy, lack of communication, assumptions.

Remember, we all have insecurities.

No matter what you think, even the people who seem most perfect in your view have their own insecurities. It could be their looks, their personality, or even their money (or lack thereof) that to them is terrible, horrible, and a thing that will keep others from loving them or even wanting to be around them.

Relationships are hard work. But nobody wants to open a beautiful package on Christmas morning and receive the gift that keeps on giving–keeps on giving agony, that is. You are basically a walking, talking red flag.

You belong to me. Don’t you dare spend time with, or even talk to, anybody else!

How easy is it to fall into this trap? You find yourself thinking, What could they be doing that is more important than responding to my random tweet with a picture of the the hamburger I had for lunch?!?

You try to ignore it. He’s just in a meeting, you tell yourself. Or she’s traveling to the other office and doesn’t have wi-fi. You check at one, nothing, two o’clock, still nothing. When it gets to be three?

Your brain explodes. You don’t love me anymore! screams your ego.

So we call, or text, or drop by unexpectedly…

Not a good idea. You may think you’re “just checking in” when what you’re really doing is putting an unnecessary strain on the relationship. Nobody wants to have the feeling that they are under constant surveillance and no relationship needs to be under scrutiny twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week.

Think we can relax and have fun? Forget it. I’m going to keep you hopping making sure that I know how important I am to you every minute of every day!

Our insecurities cause us to constantly check in on each other. We have to make sure that his or her ‘friends’ are really just that and nothing more. We keep checking by over-communicating. Ten, twenty messages throughout the day, just to make sure our “other half” is constantly thinking about us all day long.

With all the bullshit we have to deal with on a daily basis, the last thing we want to deal with is a relationship that drains more energy from our lives than it adds. We’re supposed to want to come home to our significant other and escape reality with them, not from them.

What’s the Solution?

No one wants to spend what is supposed to be the honeymoon phase of a relationship on reassuring you that things are fine, you’re the one, and that the feelings are real. It’s exhausting. And it’s also a a sign that the rest of the relationship is going to require the same level of reassurance, or maybe more, and no one wants to commit to such an exhausting scenario.

When you are needy and insecure, you risk pushing away someone that could have been part of a genuinely wonderful life. Face it, nothing is perfect. There are going to be problems you will have to face. But what if you pushed away the one person who could have helped your find the security you are seeking? Just don’t assume that there only purpose in life is to make you feel better about who you are.

It’s not your partner’s job to help you love yourself. Yes, a healthy relationship can do all of those things, but these benefits are the result of a natural evolution; something that happens over time and in response to two people really getting to know one another and really understanding each other’s darkest secrets.

Stop screaming, “Tell me that you love me! If you don’t, I’m going to FREAK OUT!

If you’re looking to your new love to be responsible for easing your insecurities, you’re looking in the wrong place and I promise you that this kind of behavior it will push away someone that could have been the next great love of your life.

So if you catch yourself doing any of these things, stop!

Not only is it unfair to your new love, but honey, you deserve to enjoy the relationship, too.

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Britney Cole
Britney Cole

Britney Cole is a computer programmer. She works for a mid-sized firm in San Francisco. Programming is still fun for Britney but she also enjoys the opportunity to share her thoughts on relationships, dating, and movies.

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