Procrastinating Like a Pro

10 Ways to Keep Procrastinating

A young-ish wise woman once told me, “Why do it now when it can wait ’til later?” Okay, it was really me just talking to myself and I admit that I was extremely sleep deprived and panic stricken at 3am during the last hours of finals week. Nonetheless, she/I had a good point. I’m usually not one to brag, but I am an expert at procrastinating. I can do it for days and sometimes even weeks.

However, procrastinating isn’t as easy as it may appear. It takes dedication to wasting time, as well as a serious case of zero f*cks given. Sometimes you run out of ideas on things to do so that you can keep procrastinating, which means that you have to actually do whatever it is that you’re avoiding. That’s the worst.

In order to avoid encountering such a conundrum, here’s a list of the top ten ways to keep procrastinating.

Keep Procrastinating

1. Eat

Oh, I have an article due? Well, it’s gonna have to wait because it’s imperative that I whip up this 3-course meal, pop a cork and pour myself a glass or three of wine, and sit down and enjoy this meal properly. Then, once I do start the work, (aka write the title, bold it, and maybe write the opening sentence) I’ll come up with some silly question and have to call Meredith and when she doesn’t answer, I’ll have to text her and, of course, wait for her reply.

I can easily procrastinate for at least 3 hours with this step.

2. Birddog Social Media

No notifications? Just hit refresh until something happens. Or, my favorite, search through Trending topics and scroll through each one and you can easily waste a couple of hours. Wow, Kanye is running for President? Time to get balls deep in that hashtag.

3. Run Errands

Gosh, I really wish I could get started on that article Meredith assigned me, but unfortunately I HAVE to go to Walgreens and buy some eyeliner, spend several minutes checking out whatever crap is on the seasonal isle, and get a new heating pad, or the rotation of the Earth will most likely reverse. Looks like that article is going to have to wait a little bit longer. (Just kidding Mere, my power really is out).

4. Grab the Phone

I haven’t talked to my brother all week, I should probably call him and catch him up on everything that has happened since we last spoke. If he doesn’t answer, it’s been like at least 6 hours since I talked to my mom, so I have to do that immediately. After all, it’s family that truly matters. Right?

5. The House is a Mess

Okay, desperation sets in from time to time but how in the world can I be expected to get any work done when I haven’t loaded the dishwasher since last Thursday? I don’t know about you, but I simply can’t write with that hanging over my head.

After the sink is cleared, looks like I have to reorganize the cabinets, throw away all those reusable faux-Tupperware containers I’ve been collecting (in case I need them), clear the leftovers out of the fridge (when the hell did I buy a pineapple Pizza?), take out the trash, unload and clean the dishwasher, and mop the kitchen. Then, once I finally sit down to do my assignment, I realize that my laptop has entirely too many copyright-free images and scores of Word documents and I simply must organize it all before tackling this article.

6. Work on Anything Except What You’re Supposed to Be Working On

Yes, I’m supposed to have that article submitted tonight, but I need to research all the latest celeb gossip so I’m up to speed.  Then, and only then, will I be able to give my undivided attention to the assignment.

7. It’s Time for a Bubble Bath

Once I take a nice, long bubble bath I’m certain that I will be cleansed of all distractions. Until then, I cannot focus. With washing my hair, listening to the entire soundtrack of The Wall, shaving and grooming, the bath will last about two hours.

8. Nail Painting Time

I simply cannot be expected to crank out quality work when all I can focus on is my fading and chipped nail polish. That’s just absurd! What am I, uncouth?

9. Self-Love

Self explanatory. My other half is at work and I need a release. Thankfully Bob* is always around and once I take care of business, I can take care of business.

*Battery Operated Boyfriend

10. Make a List of Things to Do

Shit! It’s obvious that I’m having trouble getting anything done, so it would be a great idea if I make a to do list. Number one: ‘make a to do list’ — Check. Then I can simply write down the nine steps above and start the whole process over again. Or at least until the article is due and Meredith starts eyeballing me.

Well, there you have it. Implement these 10 steps and you can add procrastinating to your resume under your ‘special skills.’

Happy Monday and good luck procrastinating!

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