A Purge Letter to Myself
Dear Meredith,
I took a shower.
What the hell are you telling me this for?
It’s the only place I can go to reflect, when it’s not time constrained or constantly interrupted.
Today, I told Chris to keep the kids out. Do not let them bother me and to stay away.
I just wanted to think.
Your words from earlier have been resonating all day in mind, in your voice – yeah you’ve been allotted head space – triggering a wide range of emotions.
Sure I’ve heard people on TV and in magazine articles have similar conversations. However, no one has ever spoken them directly to me. It’s always been the opposite. I mostly hear how motherhood is my calling, it made me who I am, etc…
Abuse and neglect have been a part of my life since early childhood. In my later teen years I rebelled, in my rebellion I just found myself in different shitty situations, some of which I enjoyed at the time, but still really bad choices.
Chris coming along helped break that cycle. He hasn’t done me wrong, certainly not intentionally. So life was good after that, but not really.
I thought I had to change everything I was. I became a submissive wife and mother. I never focused on myself, I mean literally NEVER. I own zero make-up or even my own hairbrush. Until last year I was still wearing nursing bras. My youngest is ten.
The creative and sexual being I once was just got lost along the way.
In reflecting on what you said today I realized the abuse and neglect never stopped.
The biggest difference now is I’m the perpetrator.
I allowed myself to be forgotten. I slapped a smile on my corpse and played the part. I needed you to tell me to find the woman again and that it was ok.
At first it really did scare the shit out of me. Like, why the heck I am I even entertaining this in my head? Who the fuck is Meredith anyways? How the hell did we even get into this conversation in the first place?
After just “going with it” for close to eighteen years, I was drowning. I was on the edge of just a complete break down and I started to scare myself.
Then you just appeared out of the abyss that is the internet, with your words shaking me to the core. Seriously though how the hell did you just happen!?
Today when I took my shower and washed tears and years of neglect down the drain.
I scrubbed myself until I was nearly raw. The physical scars over my wrist and legs suddenly transformed into the story of where I was and I wasn’t ashamed of it.
They are how I wrote when I couldn’t find the words.
Finding them again is not coming easy but there is a life inside me stirring, that’s not just another lame suburban mom tale. I got out feeling stronger than I have ever felt before.
REBORN
You may never know the extent of the fire you have sparked from a brief text conversation with a virtual stranger. I know this sounds so stupid, I’m a grown ass woman right?
It’s just how it happened. I will forever be in your debt. You are inspiring and possess an almost unearthly wisdom.
One day I’ll really be able to thank you, but first I have to find the words…