When You Catch Your Boyfriend Masturbating

For the first time ever, I caught my boyfriend masturbating. I don’t know if it counts as “catching him” since he left the bedroom door wide open (rookie mistake). What is this, amateur hour? I’m not even sure what I am more disturbed by: the fact that he decided to start masturbating when I told him, “I’m taking out the trash – be right back,” or the fact that this man obviously does not know how to masturbate on an experienced level. Suddenly I feel superior in my own disguises for undercover pleasuring, and if you think that makes me feel better, it does not.

At first, I was very confused as to what he was doing. In my head, which was obviously going through multiple waves of denial, I thought, Is he trying to stretch out his penis? Does a penis need stretching? It’s a muscle, right? Don’t all muscles need a good stretch from time to time?

Then it hit me that he was not trying to “stretch it longer,” but quite the opposite. It had gotten longer, and therefore he was “stretching it” to eventually get it back to its normal size, i.e. smaller. Men seem to care a lot about their penis size but considering how much they also seem to masturbate, I would say they prefer it smaller. Otherwise, wouldn’t they enjoy their boners? Instead, they’re immediately like, “My penis is HUGE! I have to get rid of this huge penis right NOW!”

I am no penis expert. I have seen them for years and still have trouble understanding what the big deal is. And I’m a straight woman!

After walking in on him “catching up with an old friend,” I uncontrollably blurted out, “What are you doing?!” Could I have handled this situation better? Yes, absolutely. I told a friend about it and she said the same thing had happened to her. When I asked her how she reacted, she said she started laughing. Laughing? I wish I had her sense of humor.

He hopped out of bed faster than I had ever seen him move, grabbed a bulletin board that was laying on the ground, and shouted, “I’m nailing up this cork board!” 

…that is not what was getting “nailed” in this situation. 

He then grabbed a hammer and just started banging on things. What a man!

I stood my ground and repeated myself, but much slower this time. He immediately hung his head, aware of his defeat – or maybe he was just looking down at his penis since he definitely still had a raging erection.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I had to masturbate to get it out of the way so I could get stuff done.”

I stood in silence. Is this all it takes to get this man to get stuff done? Why had I not known that earlier? It would be so much easier for me to just say, “Hey, can you go jerk off real quick so you can cook that romantic dinner you promised? Thanks, buddy!”

He then tried to make me feel better by saying he was masturbating to a photo of me, so he was still masturbating to me. TO ME? How about you masturbate IN me? Catching your partner masturbating is like going to a party where you don’t know anybody else there – everybody looks like they’re having fun but you.

I will no longer volunteer to take out the trash. It’s not worth the risk. 

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Natasha Ferrier
Natasha Ferrier
Natasha Ferrier is a stand up comedian, writer, and producer. She lives in New York City.

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